Just as you’ve learned to navigate ghosting and breadcrumbing, a new, more strategic behavior is entering the dating lexicon: monkey-barring. Unlike a clean break, monkey-barring describes the act of strategically swinging from one relationship to the next, refusing to let go of one partner until you have a firm grip on the next. It’s a calculated transition designed to avoid ever being alone.
As online dating accelerates, people are rethinking what loyalty and faithfulness mean. This article dives deep into what monkey-barring is, whether it counts as cheating, how Gen Z frames it, and how to protect your emotional well-being if you’re caught in the middle.
What Is Monkey-Barring?
Monkey-barring describes a romantic behavior where someone maintains one relationship while lining up another, not letting go of the old until securely holding the next. Cosmopolitan explains it: “Like swinging on monkey bars, they don’t let go of one relationship until they have a firm grip on the next.”
The Thriveworks counseling site similarly defines monkey branching as when a person in a committed relationship begins to pursue other potential partners while still involved, often secretly and without the partner’s knowledge.
In essence, it’s about ensuring a soft landing, creating a seamless transition at the expense of transparency and respect for the current partner. This fundamental breach of trust is what places it firmly in the territory of emotional cheating.
Is Monkey-Barring a Form of Cheating?
This is where opinions diverge, but many relationship experts, therapists, and users argue yes, monkey-barring qualifies as a form of cheating—emotional cheating.
The Emotional Betrayal
At its core, monkey-barring is a breach of trust. Even without a physical affair, the act of secretly investing emotional energy into a new prospect violates the implicit contract of a monogamous relationship. As experts at Lifestance note, this hidden shift of intimacy “constitutes a form of emotional infidelity.”
The defining factor is transparency. When a couple agrees on exclusivity, any clandestine emotional closeness—whether flirtatious messages or intimate conversations—isn’t just a gray area. It’s a fundamental betrayal, dismantling the trust that forms the architecture of the relationship.
Expert Voices & Cultural Stances
The consensus among relationship experts is stark: monkey-barring is widely condemned as a deceitful and emotionally immature practice. Angelika Koch, a relationship expert at Taimi, sharply distinguishes it from ethical non-monogamy, stating that while polyamory is built on consent and transparency, monkey-barring is the opposite “clinging to one partner while lining up another behind your current flame’s back.”
This view is echoed across media and counseling circles. Vice categorically asserts that the behavior “is based on codependency and is arguably a form of cheating,” while Yahoo Lifestyle labels it a “sneaky dating trend” that erodes loyalty.
Ultimately, while relationship boundaries are personal, the act of secretly securing a new partner—a deliberate and concealed overlap—is seen by many as the very definition of modern emotional infidelity.
The Psychology Behind the Leap: Why Monkey-Barring Happens
Choosing to monkey-bar is rarely a spontaneous decision; it’s a calculated strategy rooted in deeper psychological patterns. Rather than facing a breakup or working on the current relationship, individuals opt for this path due to a combination of fear, insecurity, and at times, outright manipulation.
The Fear of the Void & Validation Addiction
The most common driver is a profound fear of being alone. The new connection isn’t sought for genuine love, but as a preemptive safety net against the perceived void of single life. This creates a toxic cycle where self-worth is outsourced, and people “hedge their bets” out of anxiety that someone better might slip away. The pursuit becomes about securing constant validation, not building a meaningful bond.
Insecure Attachment & Emotional Avoidance
Therapists often trace this behavior to insecure attachment styles. Individuals with an anxious attachment may cling to a new person to soothe their fear of abandonment. In contrast, those with an avoidant style use the overlap to emotionally detach from their current partner without the discomfort of a direct confrontation. In both cases, monkey-barring is a dysfunctional coping mechanism to manage commitment fears and dissatisfaction without ever being truly alone or doing the introspective work.
Deception, Ego, and the Calculated Safety Net
Beyond fear, monkey-barring can be intentionally manipulative. As dating experts note, it is a form of deception that treats people as options. The existing partner is reduced to a stable “safety line”—providing comfort and familiarity—while the monkey-barrier explores new prospects for ego boosts, novelty, or a better deal. This transforms the original relationship from an emotional bond into a utilitarian fallback plan.
Monkey-Barring in Gen Z Culture
For Gen Z, navigating the complexities of modern dating is often a public affair, dissected on TikTok, in Twitter threads, and through meme culture. It’s no surprise that the term “monkey-barring” has found a powerful resonance, giving a name to a once-unnamed but deeply felt experience.
On social media, young daters actively call out “branch hoppers” and share stories of being the bystander in someone else’s emotional transition. As a Vice article notes, this terminology is more than just a label; it’s a tool for articulating a deeper human struggle with vulnerability and self-worth that plays out in the dating sphere.
In an ecosystem of infinite digital options, the fear isn’t just infidelity—it’s being someone’s convenient “backup relationship.” The advice from TikTok creators is blunt and clear: “Don’t date someone who’s still holding onto someone else.”
This cultural conversation highlights a significant generational shift. For Gen Z, loyalty is no longer defined merely by the absence of physical cheating. It is actively built through emotional accountability, consistent effort, and transparent clarity. It’s the conscious choice to let go of one bar before reaching for the next.
Signs & Red Flags of Monkey-Barring
Spotting a monkey-barrer requires looking for patterns of secrecy, emotional diversion, and justification. Here are the key warning signs:
Secret communications — messaging someone new while hiding it from you.
Continued contact with exes or maintaining old emotional connections as if nothing changed.
Frequent flirting or emotional attention to side connections, even when together.
Vague promises — “We should do something soon” but leaving you in a state of perpetual waiting.
Emotional pull/push — warm and cold phases that draw you back.
Heightened criticism of you — sometimes devaluing current partner to justify moving on.
Sudden makeover or behavior changes without relationship talk.
Minimizing your feelings or gaslighting, saying “not ready to commit” while moving toward someone else.
Elizabeth Shaw, a relationship expert, notes that individuals with narcissistic tendencies often engage in monkey-barring—combining emotional manipulation, invalidation, and secret relationships.
Can a Relationship Born from Monkey-Barring Last?
The short answer is: rarely, and never without significant reckoning. The long answer is more nuanced, hinging on self-awareness, accountability, and timing.
Resources like ExBoyfriendRecovery observe that relationships built on this shaky ground of fear, insecurity, and deception typically struggle to survive once the initial thrill fades. The very impulses that fueled the transition—avoidance and a fear of being alone—often resurface.
In essence, even when a “new branch” is solidified, the emotional baggage often lingers.
How to Navigate Monkey-Barring
If you suspect someone is monkey-barring you or you’re trying to avoid doing it yourself, here are steps to take:
Call it out with clarity. Use “I feel” statements to express your experience without accusation. For example: “I feel disconnected and hurt when I sense your emotional energy is consistently elsewhere. I need transparency.”
Ask direct questions. Pose clear, yes-or-no questions: “Are you actively pursuing other romantic connections?” Their evasion is an answer in itself.
Set firm boundaries. State your needs firmly: “For this to continue, I require exclusivity and honesty. If that’s not possible, we are mismatched.” Then, uphold that boundary.
Don’t chase crumbs. Avoid reacting to sporadic attention. Insist on consistent behavior.
Evaluate relationship contract. Does your definition of loyalty align? If not, it’s a mismatch.
Heal your heart. Emotional recovery, therapy, and self-reflection matter.
One Cosmopolitan guide offers this as a “4-step recovery roadmap”: recognize, learn to be okay alone, communicate expectations, and commit to internal growth.
Rethinking Loyalty for the Digital Age
Monkey-barring forces a vital question: in an era of seamless connection and endless options, what does true loyalty mean? The answer is evolving. It is no longer sufficient to simply avoid physical infidelity. Modern loyalty must be an active choice—built on radical honesty, emotional integrity, and intentional investment in a single partner.
So, is monkey-barring the new cheating? For anyone valuing transparency, the answer is unequivocally yes. It is deception masquerading as ambiguity; a fundamental breach of trust that treats people as interchangeable options.
The ultimate takeaway is this: you have the power to define your terms. If someone is swinging between branches, you are entitled to demand clarity, emotional safety, and consistent respect. In the jungle of modern love, refuse to be anyone’s temporary perch.